So Said and I met up and first grabbed some local cuisine, which was to die for! Not to mention some premium tobacco worth dying for. Now Said said he had some plans, but could meet me at his home later, and after giving me his address went off. I wandered around a bit until I met a man who could understand English quite well and invited me back to his place for some tea, which sounded great.
He looked something like this guy!
Readers let me tell you, this place was amazing! It was practically a palace, and this guy had to be a very prestigious man, since he had some guards watching his home. I was thoroughly impressed and he could see it.
I complimented him on his beautiful home and asked what it was he did for a living. He mumbled something about being in politics, maybe...—to be frank, his accent was as thick as jam. When he asked me about my profession, I told him I was a writer, and asked him if he’d heard of my blog, Jelly versus Jam. It took him a minute, then he chuckled, and speaking to a friend of his in the house, he made a gesture shoving one hand through another. His friend died laughing. I laughed out of awkwardness—I had no clue what they were saying. He then told me he’d never heard of my blog, and I sipped at my lonely cup of tea.
The loneliest cup of tea in the world...
Finally the night before my departure came, and I wanted to wish my new friend goodbye, maybe even offer to help write about his political campaigns. So I went to his home, where I was made to wait for his approval to enter. I kind of expected this, man of politics in a volatile area of the world and all. He invited me in for one last evening of tea, and even offered me a ride to the airport in the morning. I graciously accepted and we all settled down for the night. Then all of a sudden there arose such a ruckus…
I sprang from my bunk to see what was the fuss was.
‘The fuck is that noise?’ I shouted and yelled
When down from the roof, armed forces propelled.
‘O shit, it’s the end,’ I cried like an infant
As shots rang out in less than an instant.
My Muslim friend prayed, as though it would help
So I kicked his spleen and he whimpered a yelp.
‘Fuck are you doing you crazy old man?
‘We gotta get outta here—fast as we can!’
‘What good would it do?’ he cried more than I did,
‘Look all ‘round, they have us surrounded!’
This guy is useless, I thought to myself
So I scanned the room, then ran to the shelves.
There must be a gun or something more… O…
To my dismay: only lots of porno.
IslamaBad Girls and Burqa Babes 4
But unfortunately, no guns were in store.
I said ‘fuck this noise!’ and gathered my things,
And ran like a pussy, with feet made of springs!
…into a man, who looked like Darth Vader,
Helmet and all, but not a lightsaber,
A very large gun was right in my face
‘PLEASE DON’T SHOOT!’ and my pants filled with waste.
He saw I was strange, and didn’t fit in
But just on the safe side, he shot my shin. (bastard)
I was taken for questions and to their chagrin,
I was ‘only some idiot,’ ‘not some king pin’
Crated back stateside, I was in a flash
With a fair warning:
‘Come back to Pakistan,
and your ass will be grass’
And so I was banned from Pakistan… Weird place, can you believe they finally found bin Laden there?!? Found that out when I got back, and he was apparently somewhere in Said’s town! Go figure.
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