I have too much free time, an overactive mind, a sarcastic ass like quality, and I think my cat's better than yours. So, I started a blog. Welcome to madness, this is Jelly v. Jam.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

In Honor of the World's Biggest Badass

Attila the Hun, as called any other name will forever be known as the Scourge of God.   Let us take a minute to reflect upon this title, and notice who has yet to be dubbed such.

Mussolini


Hitler


Mao Zedong
 He was handsome before he turned into Jabba the Hutt...

Genghis Khan
 You know what to do...

Saladin


Martha Stewart
The Dark Side of the Force surrounds this woman

I’m almost positive that there were actually no heretics nor witches described as such!  Surely, to have the sole title in history as the Scourge of God by the Catholic Church is impressive in its own right.  But let’s take a look at Hunny-Bear’s life.

Attilla was born into a society of warrior nomads on the steppes of Asia—a land known for extreme climates, lack of tree cover, abundance of horses, and being mind-numbingly expansive.

 You can wander for days and notice no difference

The Huns, it is theorized terrorized China first and foremost.  And it is also theorized that the most sophisticated technology at the time is what stopped their attacks.

 Note: this was the most sophisticated piece of technology at the time.

Saddened by his defeat, Attila scribbled in a journal later to be blatantly plagiarized by Roger Waters.
So the Huns packed up and went west, with a song in their heart, rage in their eyes and all kinds of implements of destruction, namely Attila’s massive cod and fire.

So Atti, as his friends called him, eventually reached Eastern Europe, travelling across the terrain which would eventually become famous for stopping Napoleon and Adolf Hitler in their tracks and costing them their entire campaign.

 I’m really thinking he held off Russian weather by sheer will alone.

It was at this point Attila considered settling down and starting a family of little Hunlets somewhere in the Ukraine; however, in this historian's opinion he saw one look at the Romans and Byzantines in their fancy togas and tunics, and being under the impression they were all pussies, decided to destroy everything.  It is here we can see a resemblance between the Mafia and the Huns.  These foreigners come in, they get no respect because they speak funny, have strange weapons, and smell like Asia.

 Europe didn’t smell like this until the 1800’s!

So Atti and his cronies had to rough up the joint, get some street cred, ya feel?

He then proceeds to do something that didn’t happen again until Martin Luther took his 95 Theses 1100 years later and nailed them to a door using only his penis.  Attila made the Pope—the motherfucking Pope (he doesn’t really do that)—but il “dio bastardo” Papa!—an offer he couldn’t refuse.

“I am sick of these motherfucking Huns, from that motherfucking plain!”

The offer went something like this: the Pope (and Rome) give some land to the Huns along with some money, or they burn the city down.  Let me put history to you all this way: THIS IS SOMETHING BATMAN VILLIANS DO!

Miért olyan súlyos?

Alas, Rome had no dark knight, and had to concede.  (Here’s a hint, their land’s still got Hun in the name!)

Unfortunately, Attila would not die a hero’s death.  It’s said he choked.  Literally.  A man who did so much, and was unstoppable by Rome (albeit, Western Rome was collapsing) was taken out by food.  (Maybe anorexics are right…)

The moral of the story, if we must find a moral, is don’t get hungry in Hungary—that shit’ll kill you!


 People's exhibit A

 

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